Cameron went to the appointment with Austin because I was too sick to do just about anything. When he told me the news I cried...only for a minute, because that doesn't help solve the problem...but it does give me clarity sometimes, and so does vacuuming. So that's what I did next; vacuumed the whole house, I think it helps me because I can't hear the kids and my mind can just think on it's own for a minute, plus less dust is good for Austin, so I vacuum almost daily. Anyway, after that I decided to look through my cupboards. Wow, this is going to be tough. Cameron stayed in Boise to take Austin out to lunch for his "last pizza" for a while, and I rallied, woke the little kids up from naps and went to Walmart, channelling the Little Engine that Could, I can figure out what to make for dinner, and I can make it through the store without falling over... I can do this.
I came up with... what to call it? Italian Vegetable Sausage Soup? Chunky Minestrone? It's not too different then something we would normally eat. Just changed the chicken broth to GF chicken stock, left out the noodles, added a couple more veggies, and didn't serve it with these (my favorite breadsticks)
Believe it or not that pot of soup gave me confidence that I can do this pretty easily and feed my whole family ONE meal. I CAN create a place where Austin will not feel left out. I was proud of myself, for a minute, and then I went right to bed... should've gone to get an antibiotic that night instead of waiting two more days....
So we carried on, with no bread in sight. My plans to make it were ruined with the realization that Gluten Free baking requires a mixture of flours to work. Everything I've read (and I've been at this computer for HOURS researching allergen-free cooking) has mentioned that replacing wheat flour with one other flour will not work (except for almond and coconut flour - he can't have either - okay, if you wanna know; it's cuz the coconut is in the legume family and since he's had SEVERE reactions to 3 members of that family already, coconuts out for now.) So, I was again discouraged, since we aren't supposed to mix any grains or starches right now. But we were doing okay, and Austin seemed to handling it all exceptionally well.
And today, these little gems came in the mail. Austin went through TWO cookbooks, exclaiming, I can have this?! YES! oh joy
There's some other aspects of all of this to consider too, though. His psychological health too. His brain development is at a place right now that is shaping the big boy and man he will become. We must walk a fine line of enough love and support and not too much indulgence. As in, we must accept his feelings and give him a place he can share them. We must help him realize that it's not his fault. We must never make caring for him feel like it's a burden to us. But we can't over react when he's sad he didn't get a cupcake at school and go buy him a new toy or give him 10 of something he can have or let him get out of a chore, because he could develop the attitude that the "world owes him something" because he can't eat bread.
It's all such a balancing act. I feel like I walk a tightrope. Lets not forget that I have three other SWEET babies that need me too. And a husband (can we go on a date soon?!) to spend time with. And myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still me, or if I'm just a mom. And while I can't even stomach the thought of not being what my kids need me to be, it'd be nice to just be me just once in a while.
SO, I walk my tightrope, GLADLY because I do know how blessed I am. And I do love this life and the people that are in it. And it's really not even close to feeling like H-E-double-hockey-sticks, but it's hard sometimes. So I pray that I am strong enough. And I pray I wont fall off that tightrope, knowing that I will. So I pray more, hoping that when I do fall, I'll know how to get back on and maybe I'll stay on longer the next time.