Party Of Five

Dear Austin,
It's midnight and I can't sleep. All that keeps running through my mind is what could have happened to you yesterday. You had a severe allergic reaction to the antibiotic I gave you for your ear infection. It's haunting me to think that had your air way swollen up as well you could have died. I wish there was something I could do to make your body stop reacting to things like this.

This is the second time you have had an allergic reaction like this and both times I wasn't sure what to do. I'm sorry for my ignorance. I'm sorry that I don't always know what to do for you.

My heart is broken when I think of you in pain. And I am so sorry that it took so long for us to get you some medicine to make it better. The benedryl I gave you yesterday seemed to be working but I should have checked on you closer in the night. I didn't know. When you woke up this morning I called the doctor right away so we could get you some other medicine. You were still so swollen and red. I took this picture just after I gave you prednesone so that I could compare and make sure the swelling was going down. It helped so much. But then your lips were cracked and bleeding from the swelling. I wish I could make this go away.

The prednesone makes you grumpy and irritable. The doctor says it's because it makes your heart race and gives you a light-headed feeling. It also gives you tummy aches. I have to make you take it though, because it is helping your body stop fighting itself. It's only for a few days.

I often think, "It could be much worse, he could have a terminal illness or something." But at this moment I feel like you might as well have one. I feel like we're in some sort of guessing game, wondering what will make you sick this time. I don't want you to be sick and itchy. I wish I could just make everything better.

I love you so much, little guy. I wish you knew how much I worry about you all the time. I wish you knew how thankful I am that God watches over you. I wish you knew how often I pray for you and for me to know how to help you. Everyday, I worry that something you eat will make you sick. I am trying to be more vigilant in keeping an eye out for things that you can't eat.

Inspite of it all, you have such a happy personality. I am so proud of what a good little boy you are. You are happy and laughing - always cracking a joke. I love how you sing all the time and when you don't know the words you make them up. I appreciate your help; you love to help me with chores around the house and I can always count on you to get me something I need for Isaac. Watching you interact with Landon and Zac makes me so happy. You have a fiesty spirit sometimes, which can get you into trouble but you're such a charmer it's easy to forgive you. You are very good at sharing. Your laugh is contagious. You get excited for the rest of us and our accomplishments. For all of these reasons and more I love you.

I want you to know that I will do everything I can to keep you safe. Dad will too. He feels like I do. We will try hard to keep this from happening again. In the mean time thank you for being you. We will appreciate every moment.