Gingerbread Family Night

I've never made Gingerbread Cookies before ... ever. SO, I thought I'd give it a try this year and we had a FUN, FUN Family Night last night

When I pulled out the cookie cutters Isaac saw the Christmas tree and decided he wanted to make a family of trees instead of "men". Then, as he decorated them, he dubbed them aliens! He put them all in the gingerbread house, instead of keeping them to eat.

Ella loved her cookies! I gave her a decorated one and she just stared at it for a while saying, "head! eyes! mouth!" such a little cutie. She especially loved putting on the gumdrops and marshmallows

Austin also decided not to make men, instead he used the snow man cookie cutter and made a snow man family. He decorated his cookies like his "future" family. With the dad as a police man, married to a beautiful woman (his words!) with three daughters. The baby was suspiciously dressed like a Star Wars Clone Trooper (I didn't get a picture but it was pretty funny!) He is quite certain that this is the way his family will turn out...I'm okay with it as long as the "beautiful woman" loves me like a second mom and I get to babysit those granddaughters all the time!! Ha!

Cameron's a pretty good cookie decorator too! I was cracking up at the "bite here" cookie. It was nice doing something like this together because so often either I or Cameron are gone in the evenings, thanks to work and church. It's amazing how relaxing decorating a few cookies can be!

As for, Land-o Commando, you can see why he has that nick-name! His little "Gingy" had body armour and a bazooka. Landon was especially excited to take it to school today and show his friends. He is hilarious! He worked so hard on it that he didn't have time to decorate anything else. He just ate the rest of his cookies without frosting (which I think is actually the best way to eat them too!) And I tried out my skills - which are not so great! Landon and Austin were a little dissapointed when they noticed I couldn't fit their whole names on a cookie. I tried, at least! And I'm blaming it on the frosting getting hard by the time I did my cookies - that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!

A {wanna be} post.... Happy Thanksgiving

I really really want to post something but my computer is DOWN for the count... and since we can't get a new one until we can make it to Boise, which just isn't gonna happen soon, I have to settle on this post.

It feels pretty lame to post without pictures...

We had a great Thanksgiving full of all the things that are important in life. I'm so thankful for my friends and family, happy we got to spend the weekend together.

carrot stuffing. cousins. movies. special grandma's house sleeping spots and late night stories. new baby. gluten free pumpkin pie with coconut milk. black Friday shopping until 3 AM! the story to tell of getting "assaulted". mom's picure in the star wars movie poster. ice skating. German friends. falling asleep on the couch. haircuts. 3 grandmas and grandpas. new roast recipe. oatmeal pie. angry birds. best drive home of all time.

"It's NOT a tumor"...

Remember that line from "Kindergarten Cop"? After all these years, I'm still quoting it. I smile a little, every time I say that quote in my mind - complete with Arnold Swartzenager's accent; I think it's funny that now it really does make me feel a little better.

So, no, it's not a tumor, and that's a good thing. It is, however, something. It's a Chiari 1 Malformation. (Chiari malformation (kee-AHR-ee mal-for-MAY-shun) is a condition in which brain tissue protrudes into your spinal canal. It occurs when part of your skull is abnormally small, pressing on your brain and forcing it downward. Chiari malformation is uncommon, but improved imaging tests have led to more frequent diagnoses. Read more about it here or here )

I've had symptoms on and off since I was in Jr. High. And in 2005 I had an MRI that diagnosed me with a Chiari Malformation. The symptoms (headache, numbness and tingling in the extremities, muscle weakness, dizziness, light headedness, blurred vision, ringing in the ears) didn't seem to interfere too much with my life and they seemed to come and go with puberty, pregnancies, and breastfeeding, leading me to believe it was something that just "acted up" with my hormones.

In 2005, before I was diagnosed with this I thought I had Multiple Sclorosis - the symptoms of Chiari mimic the symptoms of MS. When my doctor called me at home to tell me my MRI results all I could focus on was that I didn't have MS. The fact I had a Chiari Malformation seemed to be no big deal. It wasn't causing symptoms, except with my babies, so I pretty much forgot I had it. In fact I even forgot the name of what it was.

This past year, though, I've noticed the symptoms returning. I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding so I began to worry a little as the dizziness and leg weakness began to affect me more and more. I've head chronic headaches forever, it seems. I was used to dealing with that. The leg weakness worried me, though. I continued to ignore it until about August. That's when I can pinpoint my headaches becoming bad enough to interfere with my life. After a month or so I saw a chiropractor. He did help some with my muscle tension but the other symptoms have continued to get worse and worse.

When I went to the Urgent Care for my headache the doctor said nothing seemed to be making sense, as to why my head would hurt so bad. He sent me in for an MRI. The MRI showed that the Chiari Malformation is definitely still there and more of my brain (the cerbral tonsils, actually) has descended into my spinal cord.

The only cure is to have surgery, making my skull bigger and cauterizing the brain so that my brain is back in my skull and there is nothing putting pressure on my nerves and arteries within my spinal cord. It's a very complicated, risky surgery. If all goes perfectly my recovery will be between 6 weeks and 6 months with most patients not feeling "100%" for up to a year. It's not something I want to do.

I've seen two doctors and plan on seeing at least one more - maybe two - to discuss the benefits of surgery. I'd rather live with chronic pain than be in a wheelchair...or worse. Only problem is that this condition can continue to get worse and I'd eventually end up in a wheelchair anyway. It's a very slow progressing condition (eventually leading to paralysis and/or hydrocephalus (water on the brain) and/or a cyst on the spinal fluid causing a backup of cerebral spinal fluid), so it's not something I have to fix immediately, unless my symptoms get worse.

I seem to be right on the line of "needing surgery" and "managing symptoms". The headache, I'm used to. It's intensity rises and falls but it's always there. I've learned to accept it and live with it. The shakiness and weakness, though scares me. There are times I'm worried about driving. There's been times that it's hard for me to hold my spoon. Even now as I type, I feel unsure that my fingers are doing what I want them to do. It's a strange, unsettling feeling, almost as if I'm shaking from the inside out.

I've been putting off seeing a surgeon because, well, surgeons cut. I didn't want to be told I need surgery just because that's what a surgeon does. It seems, though that a neurosurgeon is who I need to talk to. Chiari Malformation is a condition that isn't widely understood. There is not a lot of research on it. Because of this, I've had many different opinions from doctors as to what to do. In fact, once, before I was diagnosed, I went to a doctor and said my feet were going numb; he told me to change my shoes and socks more often! Seriously.

According to what Cameron and I have gathered from our doctors, talking to other "chiari patients" and other research, some patients symptoms can subside on their own, while other patients' symptoms continue to increase until they eventually become paralyzed (due to nerve damage). That could happen when I'm 50 or next year, or not at all. I'm hoping a surgeon will help me determine my prognosis a little more clearly.

For now my game plan is to get an appointment with a surgeon specializing in Chiari. There's one in Denver. Also, the University of Utah Hospital does these surgeries about once a week. I'm trying to decide where to go. In the meantime I am praying and using my best "mind over matter" skills to ignore these symptoms and make them go away.

My gut feeling is that I will need surgery. I'm hoping to put it off, though, until the time is right. I will need lots of help with my recovery. It's not going to be easy. But, I try not to think about it. Maybe I won't need it. Maybe it can wait until my kids are older. I hate not knowing.

One thing is certain though. This isn't a death sentence, by any means. The nerve damage can eventually cause death but that is years off. I feel blessed that I can take my time to research my options and choose a time for surgery that is most convenient for my family - my kids and my awesome parents and grandparents and parents-in-law - they will have to take care of me and my kids during the recovery time. I am blessed to have people around me to help me. It is a blessing to know they will take care of things when I can't. It's also, oh so, humbling.

I am learning much. I am appreciating my ups and downs in life. I am appreciating my children. I am appreciating my life so much more than a few weeks ago. This is a scary time for me. But, I am learning much (I know I already said that. I just don't know what else to say, I guess. If there is a reason for everything, I am determined to figure out the reason for this...) And I really am grateful that "it's not a tumor!"

Oh yeah, I just gotta mention, because I know I've come across like a flighty, crazy lady, lately: I'm not sure if it's because of the headache pain or a disturbance in the flow of the cerebral fluid but I've been doing and saying crazy things lately - I wrote 2007 on a paper today at a meeting and Landon's teacher had to correct me. I say dumb things. I've always been a little scattered but lately it's ridiculous. So when I forget your name or I seem to be "less smart" than I used to be, forgive me, okay? It's just because part of my brain is in my neck!

Halloween Weekend {2011}

It started on Friday... with classroom parties. Isaac decided to go as Spiderman - with Dracula teeth. He brought fruit and marshmellows for his party. I made a cake for Austin to take to his class and Landon brought popcorn. We hadn't even trick or treated yet and already our house was overflowing with junk food! (we still have a few pieces of cake, left...seriously, this holiday is not good on the waist line...or the teeth! Cameron's kinda going crazy about kids' brushing good at night. No cavities!)

That night we had our church party. I made Chili for the Chili Cook-Off, Cameron came in second place in the pie-eating contest, the Young Men and Young Women (and their leaders , including me since I'm still the Mia Maid Adviser) put on a little carnival, and the kids went "trunk or treating". This was Ella's first experience with people giving her piles of candy, and she LOVED it! She was so dang cute. Her, "twick oh tweet" was so clear and cute that everyone thought she was adorable. And guess what happens on Halloween when someone thinks your adorable - they give you even more candy! So, she made a haul and every now and then just sat down in the parking lot, grabbed a piece, and said, "open. open. OPEN!"

The boys took off with their friends. They made a haul too - I think Landon went around the parking lot at least twice. We ended up with so much candy that I didn't buy any for the Trick or Treater's on Halloween. I just gave out our Trunk Or Treating candy.

Saturday, we carved our pumpkins. This year ended up a little funny as far as pumpkins go. Landon got his pumpkin a few weeks ago when he went on a hay ride with a friend from school. Issac got his from his preschool pumpkin patch field trip. We just grabbed one from our garden for Ella and we got one for Austin when we went to the pumpkin patch together as a family. First year, ever, that I didn't spend a fortune just on our pumpkins.

Austin didn't want a picture of him with his pumpkin. He carved it all by himself and I LOVE the teeth he gave it. (his is the one on the left) Landon took two days to carve his because he wanted it to be perfect. He said he was waiting for inspiration. And Issac just wanted his to be the "perfect" Jack-O-Lantern, named "Jack-O-Lant".

Halloween night came and we "spookified" our dinner table. Isaac helped me set the table with the silverware set on the plates in cross-bone shape. I told him we were making witch's brew to drink (apple juice and ginger ale) and he wanted to "taste test" it. He said, "ummm, yum, Mom! This is the BEST Witch's Dungeon, EVER!" We had dinner in a pumpkin. I felt quite domestic because the pumpkins I used were from our Garden. They were planted for the purpose of making pie, but I didn't feel up to it (I still have one more pumpkin. I might still try a pie, I guess.) They worked perfect for dinner, though. And, as a note to self: Austin devoured this dinner! He LOVED it. Make it again!

For dessert we had {crock-pot} baked apples. I filled them with granola and cherry pie filling. We called them "Witch's Brains"... ooooh spooky, and seriously GOOD!

I snapped a few pics of the kids before we headed off to Trick or Treat.

Landon was RON Weasly... do not confuse him with Harry Potter, whatever you do! He insisted on the red hair so everyone would know he was Ron. He was bummed that people still thought he was Harry. The picture on the right is him fighting a dark wizard with his "wand".

And here's the ninja boy. After much much debate, Austin finally decided to be this ninja. He told me that 3 kids in his class had the same costume. Good ol' Walmart! (I had him look on three websites for a costume he liked and we found THE ONE at Walmart, ugh!)

Isaac had this AWESOME Buzz Lightyear costume. The wings and goggles light up. But he really wasn't into it. He wore it for our church party but for Halloween Night he was all about his ragedy, holey, old Spiderman costume!

I know I'm biased but seriously, is she not the cutest little kitty, ever?!

I brought Ella home from Trick or Treating a little early. She could have stayed out all night, getting candy. I wasn't feeling great, though so I made her come home with me. I went out to light our pumpkins for the Trick or Treaters and when I came back in she had her candy dumped out around her and she was ripping open everything she could, taking a bite out of each piece. She looked a little sheepish when I caught her, but when I laughed she squealed with excitement. I think it could've been the best night of her life!

Halloween is such a fun holiday. We had a great time with our family this year.

Isaac came into my room yesterday, while I was getting ready. He said, "Mom! I made up this song. Listen: Halloweeen, Halloweeeeen. Everybody dresses up. It's a scary thing! oooohh, oooohhh, ROAR!" I tried to video him singing it, but he didn't want me to. He sang it to us at dinner and we all laughed and laughed. I had one of those moments of, "my life is good!" Thank you, Halloween!

Tow Mater {Today's POTD}

"Mater" is parked in an empty parking lot on the way out to base. Whenever we drive out there Isaac gets excited to see him. Today we drove out to have lunch with Cameron on base. I just happened to have my point and shoot in the car with me so I stopped to take a picture of Isaac with "Tow Mater."

As I was taking the picture with Issac standing on the side that says "Radiator Springs" I had to laugh because this post popped into my mind. See? We really do live in "Hillbillie Hell"!

Gotta say, though, for the record; I still do not love it here. These past couple years have been some of the loneliest of my life, BUT, I've accepted Mountain Home for what it is: the place we lived when Landon got his very first real best friend, where he was baptized, and where he discovered his love of football. It's the place where Austin grew from little boy to big boy and where we finally got the most help for his allergies. It's the place where Isaac went to preschool and where I didn't really worry about him riding his bike in the street in front of our house. It's the place that was Ella's first home. It's a place where my kids discovered how to entertain themselves and find adventures in their own backyard. It's a place that I've learned to find joy in the journey. It's the place where my family is now. And just like Lightening McQueen discovered sometimes "Hillbillie Hell" isn't so bad!

Pumpkin Patch 2011

We made our annual trek to "Quey's Maze" last night. It's a cute little farm 20 min. out of Mountain Home. This is our third year going there. We picked pumpkins, played on the giant hay mountain, Ella LOVED the sandbox filled with corn and wheat, the kids jumped on the "hay trampoline" (a pile of mattresses covered in hay - surprisingly pretty bouncy - I took one jump), and then we got lost in the corn maze for a while (Landon was bummed we didn't get really really lost!).

I had to get a picture of the kids. I love the flowers and pumpkins together. And I love all their little personalities smiling at the camera!

Isaac gives the best faces for pictures. It was either this, or his "Spider Man mean" face and web blaster...

Mountain Home is NOT the prettiest place on Earth. But there is beauty everywhere. It makes me happy when I find some around here!

We played until the nasty mosquitos kicked us out! The kids could've stayed all night.

Ella is definitely keeping up with her brothers these days. She's also in love with her "Da-eee"! She was either running to keep up with everyone or saying, "hand, Da-ee, hand!!" She did hold my hand for a while, but she prefers her dad's hand , for sure.

We went to this pumpkin patch with Isaac's preschool earlier in the week and he wanted to go "through the corn". I wouldn't take him in the maze because it's a little known fact that I am actually afraid of corn mazes...I won't go in without Cameron...and my blood pressure rises, I'm sure, if I loose sight of him while we're in the maze. I blame it on getting caught in a "haunted maze" by myself in Jr High. I had to beg one of the workers to let me out - not a happy memory! Anyway, I told him he'd have to wait until we came back with Cameron. And he loved it! He pretended to be his favorite scary story character (he made him up), called "Silly Silly Gumbo". In his spookiest voice he'd say "I'm the Silly Silly Gumbo who liiiiives in the wooooooooods." and then jump out of the corn at us. So funny.

I believe in miracles

This is the story a simple, seemingly small, but very BIG miracle. It's a post that might seem a bit cheesy to some but one I want to put in because when I print my blog at the end of the year I want my kids to be able to read it and know that I do, indeed, believe in miracles...tender mercies...the hand of God...that He knows us and cares about us.

I've had a headache for over three weeks. Seriously. A bad, bad headache. I thought it was due to tension in my muscles...and some of it is. I thought it would go away with time. I thought it would go away after I saw a chiropractor a few times. I thought it would go away with {leftover from my labor with Ella} Percicet. NOTHING has made it go away. Without meds it ranges from 5-10 on the pain scale. With meds it ranges from 5-10 on the pain scale. Every day, all night. I wake up in pain, I can't sleep because of the pain, I (at times) can't function because of the pain. At it's worst I have to stop myself (in public - at home I just grab my head and scream!) from holding my head and crying, my vision gets blurry and my ears start ringing. At it's best, it's a nuisance I can ignore for a while until I have to take a 5 min. timeout in a dark, quiet spot. One thing I have going for me is a very strong threshold for pain. I can handle physical pain pretty well if I have to. (In fact I almost couldn't get the anesthesiologist to up my epidural when I was in labor with Ella. She said, "you're talking fine and you look okay." When I started crying she finally believed me that it really was hurting. That has nothing to do with this, but really, I can handle pain pretty well - especially when I can't let it get in the way of being a mom.)

Last night I went into the urgent care, thinking that if I could get a muscle relaxer the tension in my neck and shoulders would go away and then so would the headache. After a lengthy discussion the doctor helped me realize that I actually have 3 headaches going on right now. One is definitely a tension headache caused by muscle pain - the chiropractor should be able to help with that in time (luckily the doc was a D.O. so I got a mini adjustment that helped A LOT). Another headache is actually sinus pain - pain under and behind my eyes and in the bony part of the back of my head. I'm going to be tested for allergies for that, since other than the fact my ear drums are retracted (which is also very painful, by the way) I have no other symptoms of infection. But the WORST pain is this weird headache. I can trace a line around my head where the pain is. It is somewhat consistent with migraines, except that it's been continuous for three weeks and the migraine medication I've tried (Fioricet and Toradadol) doesn't do much to dull the pain. In fact the pain shot they gave me at the hospital really didn't do much at all. Because of that I was sent home with an MRI referral and a muscle relaxer but no pain meds because the doctor said I had already tried everything there was to try without being admitted to the hospital. (I have a couple other symptoms that, along with the headache, could mean something...but I'm not even going to type what because I'd rather not worry unless I have to. I'll just think I'm fine unless the MRI proves I'm not; and even then, I'm sure it can be corrected.)

By about 2:30 this morning I was ready to admit myself to the hospital and demand an MRI and morphine right there. I was crying, hurting, tired, and tired of having a headache.

I decided I would say a little prayer first. I pray everyday. Sometimes, though, I feel like I want to "save my blessings" for the things I really need... like knowing how to handle Isaac when he's screaming at me that he doesn't love me (at the library - loud - with every one watching :) ) or how to give each one of my kids the attention they need and deserve or how to have patience .... and the list could go on and on. Anyway, I hadn't prayed for my headache to resolve.

So, I stopped crying and got on my knees and prayed - no pleaded, begged, even. I told God I had faith that He can heal. I told Him I knew He could help me if it was His will. I prayed to be able to sleep. I prayed that I would get in quickly for the MRI and that nothing serious would be wrong.

The pain in my head was still a 10 when I laid back down. But I had a thought to get a heating pad. I didn't think it would help and I didn't want to get out of bed to find it. But then it occurred to me that I had just prayed for help. I went and got the heating pad.

I just can't describe the feeling of relief and gratitude as the pain kind of melted away and I fell into the deepest sleep I've had in such a long time. I woke up this morning, for the first time in weeks, with only a 3 on the pain scale.

I know it was an answer to my prayer. I am grateful, so grateful that the Lord cares about me enough to help me feel better, even for a night. The pain has steadily increased all day, again, but the fiorecet and Ibprofin are keeping it at a manageable level. I have faith that as soon as I can figure out if I do have allergies and get in for the MRI and see my primary care doc (it could take some time - the Air Force hospital here is notoriously slow...) we can figure out how to get me completely pain free. Until then, I will take 3-5 on the pain scale over 5-10 any day. I feel blessed.